Even though these mood swings have been kind of vicious lately, I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing better. That this year has been unexpectedly lovely if you exclude the stress of applying to college, but less than a month left of that so that’s another deep breath to take.
I’m scared of this happiness though, it’s a mix of medication, a certain freedom from religion that I’ve taken, and friendships. While I’d like to deny it, he is a huge factor of this happiness also. I’ve refrained from ever letting a guy “make” me happy, and gone in favor of being happy “with” them. But is there much of a difference. If he’s gone, the person I have been happy with is gone, does that mean happiness is gone also? Even if it’s just temporarily?
I hate to gush about boyfriends, sometimes I feel it cheapens the relationship, especially if I do it too often. But there is something very different and very unique about this time. It’s blunt and straightforward, our minds are spoken, and we are getting to know each other intimately every day. I have such a lack of faith in relationships when my depression gets involved, I’m deeply afraid of scaring you away. That’s why I have so much trouble telling you what’s going on. Though lately you have been getting glimpses of it, sometimes more than a glimpse, but been in the center of worst of it. And you didn’t shy away, like I cynically assumed you would. Like out of a movie, you literally kissed my tears and assured me you weren’t going anywhere.
I want this to last, the drunk kisses in the middle of the night, the lazy weekday afternoons, and the dates we force ourselves to go on to get out of lying in bed all evening. It’s beautiful and feels more than right. I have no expectation for how long it lasts, just that it lasts until the end of our love. If that’s the end of this year or the end of our lives.
If you’re a boy writer, it’s a simple rule: you’ve gotta get used to the fact that you suck at writing women and that the worst women writer can write a better man than the best male writer can write a good woman. And it’s just the minimum. Because the thing about the sort of heteronormative masculine privilege, whether it’s in Santo Dommingo, or the United States, is you grow up your entire life being told that women aren’t human beings, and that women have no independent subjectivity. And because you grow up with this, it’s this huge surprise when you go to college and realize that, “Oh, women aren’t people who does my shit and fucks me.”
And I think that this a huge challenge for boys, because they want to pretend they can write girls. Every time I’m teaching boys to write, I read their women to them, and I’m like, “Yo, you think this is good writing?” These motherfuckers attack each other over cliche lines but they won’t attack each other over these toxic representations of women that they have inherited… their sexist shorthand, they think that is observation. They think that their sexist distortions are insight. And if you’re in a writing program and you say to a guy that their characters are sexist, this guy, it’s like you said they fucking love Hitler. They will fight tooth and nail because they want to preserve this really vicious sexism in the art because that is what they have been taught.
And I think the first step is to admit that you, because of your privilege, have a very distorted sense of women’s subjectivity. And without an enormous amount of assistance, you’re not even going to get a D. I think with male writers the most that you can hope for is a D with an occasional C thrown in. Where the average women writer, when she writes men, she gets a B right off the bat, because they spent their whole life being taught that men have a subjectivity. In fact, part of the whole feminism revolution was saying, “Me too, motherfuckers.” So women come with it built in because of the society.
It’s the same way when people write about race. If you didn’t grow up being a subaltern person in the United States, you might need help writing about race. Motherfuckers are like ‘I got a black boy friend,’ and their shit sounds like Klan Fiction 101.
The most toxic formulas in our cultures are not pass down in political practice, they’re pass down in mundane narratives. It’s our fiction where the toxic virus of sexism, racism, homophobia, where it passes from one generation to the next, and the average artist will kill you before they remove those poisons. And if you want to be a good artist, it means writing, really, about the world. And when you write cliches, whether they are sexist, racist, homophobic, classist, that is a fucking cliche. And motherfuckers will kill you for their cliches about x, but they want their cliches about their race, class, queerness. They want it in there because they feel lost without it. So for me, this has always been the great challenge.
As a writer, if you’re really trying to write something new, you must figure out, with the help of a community, how can you shed these fucking received formulas. They are received. You didn’t come up with them. And why we need fellow artists is because they help us stay on track. They tell you, “You know what? You’re a bit of a fucking homophobe.” You can’t write about the world with these simplistic distortions. They are cliches. People know art, always, because they are uncomfortable. Art discomforts. The trangressiveness of art has to deal with confronting people with the real. And sexism is a way to avoid the real, avoiding the reality of women. Homophobia is to avoid the real, the reality of queerness. All these things are the way we hide from encountering the real. But art, art is just about that."